It's All Too Much Read online

  They fall on my head when I open the door. Is that so wrong?

  Without looking, do you know where to find your car keys, your unpaid bills, and your home or renter’s insurance policy?

  Absolutely—want me to get them right now?

  All except the insurance—it must be somewhere in my husband’s/wife’s/partner’s office.

  Sure—just give me ten minutes to find them. Or an hour.

  What is on your dining room table right now?

  Wood polish and a rag—I was just wiping it.

  A few piles of bills—and my child’s art collection.

  So much stuff that I can’t see the table.

  How many magazines are in your house right now?

  Three—the current issue of each magazine I get.

  Oh, a lot. But I need them for my job.

  I have every issue of National Geographic ever published. It’s an outstanding collection.

  How many paper and shopping bags are you saving?

  A handful—we use them to recycle newspapers.

  An overstuffed milk crate plus a few extra. You never know what size bag you’ll need.

  Every single bag that enters the house.

  Answer the following questions with a yes or no:

  If you had to change a lightbulb, could you find one?

  Are all your DVDs and CDs in their sleeves?

  Are kids’ toys anywhere except in their rooms or designated play areas?

  Are there dirty dishes in the sink?

  Are dirty clothes anywhere but in the hamper?

  Are there out-of-date medications in your medicine chest?

  Are all bills paid and papers filed?

  Does every item of clothing in your closet fit you now?

  HOW CLUTTER FREE ARE YOU?

  Score yourself:

  Questions 1–6: Give yourself zero points for every A; one point for every B; two points for every C.

  Question 7: Give yourself a point if you answered: a) no; b) no; c) yes; d) yes; e) yes; f) yes; g) no; h) no.

  Add all your points together.

  If you scored:

  10–20 points: Uh-oh. Looks like you’re a HARD-CORE HOARDER. It’s amazing that you found a pen to take this quiz. But don’t take it too hard or feel overwhelmed: The first step is admitting the problem. We’ll take this step-by-step and custom-tailor the program to work for you. Do remember as you read this book that sometimes a first round of decluttering isn’t enough. A few months after your first purge, you’ll look at the same stuff you thought you couldn’t throw out and realize you haven’t touched it since your cleanup. It takes a while to get used to the idea that if you don’t use it, if it’s not part of your life, if it doesn’t serve your goals, then it’s just a waste of space. You’ll get there, I promise.

  3–9 points: Good news. You’re a CLUTTER VICTIM. This may not sound like good news, but it means that you, like so many others, have fallen victim to the clutter buildup that’s hard to avoid when you have a busy life, diverse interests, disposable income, family memorabilia, and a steady influx of purchases and junk mail. Not to worry. With a reasonable amount of effort you’ll be able to get your clutter issues under control and keep them that way.

  0–2 points: Congratulations! You’re CLUTTER-FREE. Give yourself a pat on the back, but don’t get lazy. Staying clutter-free takes work. Is there a storage room or an office where your clutter congregates? You can turn directly to that section to attack your problem head-on. And don’t miss Step 6: New Rituals. This calendar of monthly routines will help you keep your home spick-and-span.

  Take a Look Around

  Stuff has a way of creeping into and overtaking our homes. At some point it is almost as though we stop seeing it and our senses shut down. It’s there, we have to climb over and around it every day, and yet we are seemingly incapable of dealing with it. Take a look at these common symptoms of overflow. Maybe they sound a little too familiar?

  Where have all the flat spaces gone?

  Flat spaces are the first battlefield you lose in the war with your stuff. Is it hard to work at your desk because it’s covered in papers? How about the coffee table? How long have those magazines been there? Is there enough room on your kitchen counter to prepare food, or is the counter crowded with appliances or cereal boxes or storage canisters? The top of the television is not meant to be used as a shelf, nor are most windowsills. Is your bed covered in clothes? How about the largest flat space in your house—your floor. Has the floor disappeared? If the flat spaces in your house have been lost to clutter, it’s time to win them back.

  Does everything serve its purpose?

  How can you tell when your stuff starts to take over? The big, blinding neon sign is what I like to call “system overload.” System overload is when your rooms lose functionality. A kitchen counter that should be used for food preparation becomes a storage shelf. A desk turns into a platform for stacking piles of paper. You have too many dishes for the kitchen so they overflow into the laundry room. My clients Owen and Gina were like this—he stored his medical dictionaries in the guest bathtub. In the worst cases, getting across a room can be an obstacle course. Gina was so busy saving every piece of clothing her son, Michael, ever wore that she completely filled up what could have been a lovely playroom for Michael.

  System overload usually happens gradually. It’s not like you come downstairs one day and make a decision that you’d rather fill the basement with old lawn furniture and off-season clothes than have a place where the family can gather for movie night. You stop making decisions about how you want to use your space because you’re too busy desperately looking for places where the stuff can go. When things are stored in rooms where they don’t belong and serve no purpose, you’re no longer controlling your stuff. Your stuff is controlling you.

  So think about your house. Does each room serve its intended purpose? Is each piece of furniture, countertop, or appliance used to do what it was designed to do? If the answer is no, it’s time to rethink your use of each space.

  What’s the Cost of Clutter?

  Nobody’s perfect. My friend Nico always says, “Who wants to be absolutely clean and organized? Where’s the fun in that?” There’s no need to lead a sterile life and I am definitely the first to argue against that. Life is definitely for living, but your disorganization can cross the line. Let’s think about what your clutter is costing you—possibly in ways you’ve never considered before.

  What’s it costing you emotionally?

  We often hold on to stuff we don’t need because we feel emotionally attached to it. I was recently digging my way out of a garage of clutter and found a battered, rusty bike. I asked my client Patti about it. Her eyes lit up and she told me that the bike made her think of her childhood with her brother and how they’d have races around their home. What she saw and what I saw when we looked at the bike were two entirely different things. Our possessions can remind us of a time past or someone we’ve lost. A set of china is a family heirloom that one’s grandmother loved. This bassinet is a souvenir of an age one’s kids will never be again. These cheerleader pom-poms are a memento from “the best time” of one’s life. But it’s time to look at the other emotions that come with living in an overstuffed home. No one should feel stressed out when they open the door to their own home. No one has to. Your home is within your control. It should be the place where you escape all negative forces in the world. Your home should be the antidote to stress, not the cause.

  What does your life look like?

  Maybe you think your problems aren’t that simple, that you can’t just clean up your house to make all your troubles disappear. True, decluttering isn’t a replacement for psychotherapy. But I’ll tell you this: If your home is a mess, if it’s out of control, then it’s most likely your relationships are feeling the pain. One couple I worked with had been married for five years. Their home was full of furniture that they referred to as “his” or “hers.” When they blended
their homes, they had both brought a great deal of stuff into the relationship, and they had never figured out what was ideal for “them” and “their” new space. They fought constantly about the clutter. They could barely function in their living space, and yet wondered why their emotional life was in tatters. To me, the solution was obvious: Clearing the clutter in your physical space will go a long way toward clearing the clutter in your mind and your relationships.

  How Did We Get Here?

  There’s a stuff epidemic in this country. We live in one of the most prosperous nations on earth, and we measure our success by material accumulation. Everywhere we look we are encouraged to buy more. Love your kids? Prove it by giving them the best clothes, games, sports paraphernalia, or the latest video game system. Just got a raise or a better job? Time to show it off with a bigger TV or a flashy new car or more (and expensive) clothes. In two-income families where there’s barely time to relax, we try to find happiness by buying more stuff. Everywhere we turn, we’re told that more is better. We supersize our food. We buy two for the price of one instead of buying one at half price. But for many, it has become clear that instead of bringing happiness and peace of mind, all this stuff is stressing us out and alienating us from our families, our partners, our dreams. Sure, some stuff does improve your life. Of course it does. Who can argue with a comfortable home and a nice car? But where do you draw the line? Did you know that the size of the average new house in this country has grown almost 50 percent in the last thirty years? And all this while the average family size has declined. With more space has come the urge to fill it with more stuff. Unfortunately, more stuff doesn’t guarantee greater happiness. And when happiness doesn’t come, you buy more, thinking that’s the answer. Instead of bringing you closer to the life you want to live, your stuff starts getting in the way.

  Disposable income

  What is all this stuff we keep acquiring? A lot of it comes down to discretionary spending—those things we choose to buy with the money we have sitting in our purses, pockets, or wallets. You might be surprised to learn where most Americans spend their disposable income.

  In any year, more than two-thirds of households in this country spend a sizable portion of their disposable income on videos and DVDs, music and CDs, books and magazines, specialized personal care products, and candles. More than one-third of households buy collectibles, craft supplies, and sporting goods. Not surprisingly, the way we spend our money breaks down along gender lines. Men buy more technology (videos, TVs) and sporting goods, while women buy more books, magazines, personal care products, and crafting supplies.

  There is nothing wrong or bad about these purchases—some of them are educational or entertaining—but how many of them have lasting value? What do you have to show at the end of any one year for the money you have spent? Is it a home equipped with valuable and useful items or just more clutter? No matter how you break it down, there’s no getting around the truth of the matter: This is the stuff that causes many people’s clutter issues. Stuff we don’t need. Stuff we buy for our own pleasure, often on impulse, that has little long-term usefulness and adds little to our long-term quality of life.

  The new town square

  Who can blame us for all this consumerism? All across the country the mall has become the new town square. We spend our leisure and recreation time at the mall. Walking clubs go to the mall for exercise. You can even have an overnight campout at the Mall of America! As we grow up, for many, the mall brings our first taste of freedom—the first place our parents might send us off on our own, telling us to meet up with them in an hour. This is how we—or our children—come to associate social freedom with a retail environment. No wonder we’re drawn back there as adults.

  It’s not just childhood experiences that draw us to malls. Hands down, shopping is the most accessible form of stimulation. When you’re bored and looking for something to do on a Saturday afternoon, shopping is a whole lot easier than planning a picnic. And it’s not weather dependent. Plus, there’s so much to look at. In the 1950s, a typical corner store stocked one thousand items. Now a Wal-Mart superstore holds about 130,000 items, offering hours of exploration and potential purchasing for the whole family. And retail therapy is no joke. Having new things is exciting and makes you feel like you’re changing your life for the better. Your skin will be softer, or you’ll have something better to watch on TV, or a new coat will impress your colleagues. Ever left a superstore or a mall without making a single purchase? It’s very, very hard to do.

  Saying good-bye…forever

  I’ve already told you you’re not alone. America has a problem with overaccumulation. It’s abundantly clear if you spend one minute noticing how many self-storage facilities have sprung up in your neighborhood.

  Now what’s so bad about renting storage space, you ask? It’s a way of not dealing with your clutter. You’re saving things you don’t need or want by dumping them in a black hole you’ll probably never unpack, and you’re spending extra money every month to store them.

  Think about it from a money standpoint. You’re increasing your housing costs without increasing your standard of living. Is it worth it? Think about it from a psychological perspective. You’re hiding away stuff you really should deal with, postponing the issue to some undetermined future date. Is that how you deal with all your problems? I sure hope not. Look, if you have a sudden change of situation, okay, I’ll definitely cut you some slack. But as soon as you’ve rented the space for longer than a year, you have to accept that your situation isn’t temporary. Your life has actually changed. You need to deal with the change head-on.

  Remember that you are beginning a process that will help you change the way you see your stuff. I’m here to help you figure out what’s truly important and what holds meaning for your life. Let’s get started.

  2

  Excuses, Excuses

  WE ACQUIRE THINGS throughout our lives. Some things are given to us, some left to us, some we find, and most we purchase. Everything in your home is there with your permission. All the stuff in your house is there because you think it holds answers, evokes memories, contains a promise, or serves a purpose. You might need those used skis if you ever manage to take another ski trip. You might need those negatives if your kids want copies of the family albums. You might use that china if you have a dinner party for twenty. You will remember the great times at high school if you look through those old yearbooks. You will be a smarter person if you read all the books you have purchased. If all that is true, then why are you reading this book? Is it possible that you were drawn to this book because the stuff you have isn’t bringing you closer to the life you want or fulfilling the expectations that you have? Too much stuff can actually create a physical barrier between you and what’s really important.

  For most of the people I work with, this sense of unease with the things they own grows over time until it is almost overwhelming. They hate the clutter-filled and disorganized lives they live and yet are unable to change. They know deep within themselves that they own too much and yet they continue to buy things. They can see that their homes are overrun, but still, they bring more stuff through the front doors without ever removing anything from their houses. This accumulated stuff wields amazing power—the power to paralyze and control.

  You think you treasure the things you hold on to, but you’re reading this book because you don’t like how they’ve taken over your life. You say you want to let go, but something stands in your way. Not only can’t you see any of your stuff as disposable, you also can’t bear the idea of getting rid of it. I’ve heard all the excuses and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard yours.

  Excuse #1: “I Might Need it One Day.”

  Some of us are afraid of the mysteries that the future holds. Life can take some pretty scary turns. Who knows what could happen? You want to be prepared. You can’t throw away that collection of empty shoeboxes. Your daughter might need one for a school project! You can’t get rid of th
ose skinny jeans. You might lose twenty pounds! Those old, funky clothes might be good for Halloween or a costume party, not to mention the piles of ticket stubs for a scrapbook you might find time to make someday and the broken toys you have every intention of repairing. This is “I might need it one day” clutter.

  We all know it’s smart to plan ahead. We all have projects that have to wait for later. And most of us experience changing bodies and changing fashions that put our clothes into what might only be temporary storage. It’s hard to let go of things that don’t seem to have fulfilled their purpose. You only wore those jeans once and they were expensive. This lamp works perfectly well, it just doesn’t look good in this house. It’s okay to hold on to one or two items of reasonable size that have a genuine chance of a future life. But let’s be honest. Is it really only one or two items? Or are you saving enough stuff to furnish a whole alternate universe in which a skinnier you uses that dusty abdominal crunch machine every morning before inserting all your photos into a new album and then dons that old wig you’ve been storing for a costume party you’re hosting at which everyone will be lounging in the extra chairs that have been languishing in your basement for the last six years?

  Clutter stops us from living in the present. The future is important. But you have to consider the quality of your life today and strike a balance between the life you are living today and the multitude of possible paths your life may take in the future. We hold on to a lot of our stuff “just in case we might need it one day” and we spend hours preoccupied with this unknown future for which we need to prepare. It’s a future that we have no control over and that, for many, is feared. The clutter somehow becomes a life raft for all the “just in cases” we can imagine.