It's All Too Much Page 5

  Clutter denies us peace of mind. Time and again, the people I deal with attribute much of the conflict in their relationships or the sense of hopelessness in their lives to the clutter itself. Instead of developing and deepening a relationship based on mutual respect, love, shared experiences, and happiness, I constantly see couples whose lives are torn apart from their arguments about disorganization. Many of these people also struggle with anxiety or depression. All of these things are linked—where you live, what you have, and how you feel. You feel overwhelmed, powerless, and paralyzed by the sheer volume of “the stuff” surrounding you. How can you have harmonious relationships or a sense of peace if that’s how you feel in your own home? Instead of adding to the peace and balance of your life, your material possessions are causing stress and even physical illness. They’re making your emotional life harder than it need be.

  DEAR PETER:

  I have pictures, pictures, and more pictures stacked in wicker baskets waiting for me to organize them. Before my daughter was born I was different. I got things organized and got rid of stuff. I am not the same person, and I do not like it. I am overwhelmed and really frustrated. I have never been at a loss in this situation until now…

  Clutter erodes our spiritual selves. No matter what your spiritual or religious beliefs are, each of us is called to be the best person we can be. Everyone has a vision for how they want to live and what they want to achieve. We are all filled with potential and dreams not only for ourselves, but also for our children and others we love. All this gets lost when your stuff takes up so much room it becomes an obstacle between you and your goals. The things you own should be tools to achieve your dreams and goals, not hurdles that impede your progress.

  Like I said, being overwhelmed by stuff is an emotional hurdle that I can’t just snap my fingers and make disappear. But I hope you’re starting to see the emotional benefits of conquering your clutter. Those benefits are huge, much bigger than the effort it will take to clean up your life. One of the main reasons I am so adamant about removing clutter is that I see how the space it occupies in people’s lives seriously hinders their personal growth and development. It crushes them spiritually. No matter how you look at it, holding on to your clutter is simply not worth it!

  Excuse #10: “—————.”

  Okay, there is no excuse number ten, but a list of nine seemed so incomplete. Besides, there are a lot of creative clutterers out there. I figure there’s got to be an excuse I haven’t heard yet, so grab a pencil and write it in the space above.

  Everyone who has clutter in their lives has a way of justifying it to themselves and to others. It’s not that unusual. But look around you: Some people manage to find order in the chaos. They’re not lazier or richer or less busy or better than you are. You can do this. Some part of you isn’t wholly satisfied with your life; otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this book. I’m here to tell you that the rewards of decluttering will far exceed your expectations. You will feel stronger, happier, clearer, and freer. It’s time to quit making excuses. It’s time to live the life you imagine for yourself. You can do it!

  3

  Imagine the Life

  You Want to Live

  WHEN YOU LOOK AROUND your house you may be overwhelmed by “the stuff” that’s piled high and wide. The answer isn’t just a matter of “getting organized.” I know that sounds odd coming from me, a guy who is all about organization. But the way you deal with clutter is not to start with the clutter. Thoroughly confused? Read on.

  One of the most common errors people make when attempting to declutter and get organized is that they start with “the stuff.” This is a huge mistake. Just moving the stuff around, into different rooms and new plastic bins, doesn’t solve the problem. In the beginning, remember: Clearing the clutter isn’t about “the stuff.” Don’t focus on that or you are doomed to fail before you even begin.

  The things you own are a distraction to getting started on the right path. The key to getting—and staying—organized is to look beyond the stuff and imagine the life you could be living. Put most simply: It’s about how you see your life, before all else. Before the moving and the sorting, before the decision making and the negotiation, before the tough calls and the tears. I’ve mentioned it before, and now it’s time for you to take it seriously. The first task I give my clients, and the first challenge I want to present to you is: Imagine the life you want to live.

  Imagine the life you want to live. I cannot think of a sentence that has had more impact on the lives of the people I have worked with. I’ll repeat it again: Imagine the life you want to live. Life is never perfect, but we all have unique visions of the lives we wish were ours. When clutter fills your home, not only does it block your space, but it also blocks your vision. It has often seemed to me that people at some stage stop seeing the clutter—even when they can’t see over it! They move around it as though it were not there. This first step takes you beyond the clutter, the mess, the lack of organization, to determine how it is you picture your place in the world. It’s a deceptively simple question and one that we seldom ask: What is the life you want? From this question flows a range of related questions that you need to seriously ponder. In this imagined life, how do you spend your time? How do you feel at home? How do you interact with your family? What do you accomplish in your home? Do you see yourself as high-powered, successful, and on top of things? Do you imagine a rich family life where everyone hangs out together? Do you hope to one day find a perfect balance of work and home, of stimulation and calm?

  These are questions that most of us never ask ourselves. We accept what we have and find it hard to imagine things could be otherwise. It is much easier to leave things as they are than it is to take action. Well, this is the day all of that changes! It may take some serious reflection to imagine the life you want to live. Don’t just summon up an image of the lives of the rich and famous. Set aside actual time to think about your own ideal life—a better life, but one that is within reach. Do this in whatever way you best think through your problems: Find a quiet moment to write ideas down in your journal; use your time at the gym; schedule an hour in your planner to sit in solitude and think; or set aside time in bed before you fall asleep. The details may be slow in coming to your mind. This is not unusual, but it is key to progress, and worth the investment of some quiet time. Think through what it is you want from the one life you have.

  Your Ideal Home

  Once you have that picture in your mind, imagine your ideal living space. What does your home look like? What does your living room look like? Your master bedroom? Your relationship? Your career? The backseat of your car? Fix those images in your mind. If it helps, make drawings or jot down notes. Find photos in magazines that match what you imagine. Walk, think, daydream, ponder—do whatever you need to do to make that vision as real as possible.

  Once you have an image of what you’d like your life and your home to be, take an actual look around your home. Don’t be methodical…yet. We’re going to start the nitty-gritty of purging possessions in the next chapter. For now I want you to just practice a new way of looking at your stuff and your space. The gulf between what you have and what you want can be enormous, and the emotional response just as tremendous. For many of my clients, this stage of the process can be earth-shattering, as though for the first time in many years blinders have been removed from their eyes. They see how they’ve been living and what they own in a new light. Like them, if clutter is your issue, then your current life is probably nowhere near where you want it to be. Don’t worry—we will get you there!

  I worked with a couple, Dylan and Jen, who wanted the master bedroom of their Oakland house to be a sanctuary, a romantic escape from the kids, but it was overrun with toys. The kids had appropriated the TV for video viewing and the armchair was piled high with laundry.

  I have a number of questions that help couples focus their attention on the place they would like to be. I know that sometimes these
questions can seem razor sharp, but I don’t have time to waste, nor do you when it comes to living the life you want. It was time for one of those questions.

  I asked Dylan, “If you met Jen for the first time today, is this the bedroom you’d want to bring her home to?” Ask yourself the same question now. Look at your master bedroom and consider the intimate relationship you share with your partner. If your bedroom isn’t the romantic ideal for the two of you, why not? It drives me crazy when I see master bedrooms cluttered with dirty clothes, empty food containers, kids’ toys, wrapping paper, and even car parts. Remember the key questions: What is the life you want to live? What is your vision for your master bedroom? What is your vision for your romantic relationship? Does this room reflect that vision? The answers are and always will be linked.

  I met a woman from Michigan who told me that now that her son, Michael, had his own place, she wanted her house to be “her own” again. Her garage was occupied by Michael’s vintage Porsche, which she forbade him to drive because there was no roll bar. Michael’s “collectible” toys filled not only his former bedroom, but tall metal racks that lined the hallway of the house. I said, as gently as I could, “Your son’s in college now. It’s time for him to take responsibility for his stuff!” She burst out laughing, shaking her head at the same time. I didn’t see what was so funny until she explained that her son wasn’t in college. He was a forty-year-old doctor. Forty! At that moment I thought my head would explode! As far as I’m concerned, this is selfishness of the highest order on the son’s part and a complete failure to cut the cord on the mother’s part. This is not love; this is stupidity! Each participant bears part of the blame for an intolerable situation. The son deftly avoids his responsibility and the mom, in providing an unquestioning caregiver role, sacrifices her quality of life. As awful as it sounds, Michael is exploiting his mom. In the mother’s vision for the life she wanted, there was no Porsche in the garage and certainly no toys cluttering rooms and hallways of the family home. Michael clearly wasn’t planning to move his stuff out of the house on his own so his mother had to take action. She had to be clear about her vision for her house, and then she had to enforce that vision for herself and her son. She took action and so can you.

  QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR IDEAL HOME

  Does this house look the way I want it to look?

  Does this house feel like a home to me?

  How do I feel when I come home to this place?

  How do I want to feel when I come home to this place?

  How do family members feel when they come home to this place?

  How do they want to feel when they come home to this place?

  How do I feel when I enter this room?

  How do I or my family members want to feel when we enter this room?

  What is this room’s function now?

  What is the function I want it to have?

  In order to serve its function, what should the room contain in terms of furniture, contents, and open space?

  As I said in the last chapter, most of us want to be the best person we can—the happiest, the most successful, the most productive and satisfied, but it’s difficult to function at your peak when you’re stressed, distracted, and weighed down by clutter. Do you own your stuff or does it own you? Does the clutter affect your emotions and your relationships? Does it affect your ability to socialize or entertain? Does it affect your children? Do they have room to grow up? What example are you setting? Does the clutter affect your psychological and spiritual health? Does it affect your physical health? Does it affect your ability to succeed in your career? If you’re struggling with clutter, chances are that your lack of space is suffocating you. It doesn’t leave enough air for you to live your life.

  Change is hard

  Change is not easy, but it is incredibly liberating. The change that I see in people who commit to this first step with enthusiasm and excitement is that, for the first time in their lives, they establish a real home and have some criteria for deciding the true value of what they want around them. No longer is the deciding factor how much something cost, who gave it to you, how long you’ve had it, what emotion you attach to it, or any of the thousand other excuses that we dream up. The single most important factor in deciding what you should have in your home is now clear: Does this item enhance and advance the vision I have for the life I want or does it impede that vision? This is the only question you should ask yourself when looking at the clutter that fills your home.

  Every time you look at an item in a room and contemplate whether you should keep it, imagine the life you want to live and ask yourself these basic questions: How does your home serve your notion of the life you wish you had? Do the things you own help you achieve that life or distract from that vision? Is there room in your bedroom for you to sleep peacefully? Does the front hallway welcome you when you arrive home after a tiring day? Can your family gather for meals, fun, or relaxation without the interference of piles of junk? Every item filling your home should move your life vision forward and serve a real function, one that you can explain without making excuses. Remember, “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.” Do your things meet these standards?

  The liberation that comes with the answers to these questions is astounding! Perhaps without realizing it, what you are doing is taking the power out of the things you own and bringing it back to yourself. You own these things—they do not own you! In addition, you have a concrete plan upon which to build. Don’t be mistaken, this is not the easiest thing in the world to do. It takes focus and a lot of energy, but I’ve seen it thousands of times. You have to trust me when I tell you that it will be a life-changing experience.

  Where is your home?

  This first step of imagining the life you want and then specifying what that vision would look like is perhaps the most important part of the whole decluttering process. It shifts your focus away from the clutter itself and toward something much more fundamental—your dreams and aspirations for the new life for which you yearn. Once you have that first step completed and have a clear vision of how you want your life and home to be, you can safely shift your attention back to your stuff. Now you have some criteria against which to decide what you want to keep and what you can let go.

  Not long ago I worked with a family in the Midwest. They had a beautiful home in the suburbs of Chicago that wasn’t particularly cluttered, but the garage was completely crammed with household furniture, boxes, antiques, and sporting gear. The house itself, even with two children, showed almost no sign of family life. There were no photos and little in the way of personal items were displayed anywhere and what was there was very generic and nondescript. The family’s life was literally boxed and stored in the garage. Because the mother had lost her parents at an early age and had recently nearly lost her only sibling, she craved security. Her boxed-up home reflected that. I had only one question that I wanted to ask the mom: Where is your home? As she pondered the answer, she first looked confused, then perplexed, and then very upset as she answered: “I don’t know.” The family had lived in the house for more than nine years and the mom didn’t know where her home was! That’s because it was “safe” under lock and key, boxed in the family garage.

  Differing visions

  It’s very possible that you are not the only one living in your home and that clutter is affecting more people than just you; everything gets more complicated when you bring other people into the equation. Maybe you have a crystal-clear vision for your life and what you need to live it, but so does your roommate or your partner or your spouse or your kids. Our lives intersect and overlap with the people we live with and love, but our ideal lives are never perfectly in sync. It is critical for anyone who shares your home to have an opportunity to define their vision and to speak openly about the life they want and the things they wish to surround themselves with. Talk to the other people who live with you. What is their vision for the ideal hom
e? How do they imagine using the space? What is the intersection of your different visions and lives? How can you make it work for everyone? As the parents, are you setting the tone and totally defining the vision or are you giving equal voice to the children? It may surprise you what this process opens up for you and your family, how it forces you to reevaluate your feelings about what you own and what you perceive as important.

  Expect some degree of surprise, confusion, and even conflict in this process. I have frequently found that although people may share a common living space, their individual ideas or visions for that space can vary enormously.

  When I first started working with Mark and Julie, their home was overrun with clutter. Most of it was concentrated in their family room: books, video games, DVDs, a ton of Mark’s bowling trophies and sports memorabilia, Julie’s desk for her home business, and a computer for their two kids to do their homework and school projects. When we sat down and started talking about their visions for the space, they astounded one another. Mark saw the family room primarily as a sports-themed den where he could enjoy his favorite game broadcasts and reminisce about his past athletic successes. Julie saw it as the central family gathering place where the kids could complete homework and have a display space for their academic achievements. Given these two different views, it was no surprise that Julie was constantly annoyed by the dust gathering on Mark’s trophies and that Mark was forever hassling the kids to put their projects and schoolwork in their rooms. Different visions—completely different ideas of what belonged in the space and how to use it.